prom 2017

Going to prom with Gabe was honestly one of the best nights of my life up to this day in my life. He made me feel so incredibly special and it was so nice to go with someone I am such good friends with. I think if anything, prom deepened our friendship. (Edit: I think it brought back feelings for me, but that's something for another post). (I know my last post had talked about he was my first boyfriend, but since then we have broken up due to huge differences in the way we see the world and therefore differences in what we centered our relationship around)

Following our breakup, I was thinking a lot of things that weren’t true, including things like he wasn’t being physically satisfied.

While part of this may have been true, I think he was more than happy with the physical part. He told me that.

What he says is more true than what I perceive to believe is true. Just because you think something doesn't mean it is true.

Read this before you read the next part: I think this section I wrote when I still had feelings for him, so umm, yeah the part about loving that he still told me I was attractive and stuff, I had not let go of the desire to have attention from him yet. I think the only way this can be healthy is from a guy who points you back to Jesus. 

Already he is acting like a big brother to me. I think it's nice to have a guy best friend who they know they could never romantically work out with. I think the best way that you can come to this conclusion is already testing it out per say and knowing that it won’t work. Otherwise there might be hidden feelings between two about one another.

We’re so lucky that our friendship is working out. I don’t deserve to be able to still go to prom with my ex-boyfriend, to be able to talk to him or have him tell me that I’m still an attractive girl and that I deserve a guy who is going to love me and love Jesus.

I don’t deserve any of this so I cannot unhappy that I don’t see him or hang out with him as much as I would like. The times will come when it is appropriate for us to hang out. In the meantime, I need to focus on pursuing Jesus, becoming more of the woman he wants to me and fully surrendering everything to him, especially the tendency to want to hold onto Gabe as tightly as I can as a friend.

Prom in general was a perfect night. I don’t want to forget one moment of it. From the times Matthew would ask Gabe what time it was; 11:44, to the moments of standing up in the car with my seatbelt off sticking my head out of the sunroof, to the dancing to the wobble, to both titanic scenes, to getting our picture taken at the baseball stadium, to the dancing between Gabe and Matthew when single ladies came on. Oh, how incredibly blessed I was to be able to go with such incredible people. Who could ask for a better situation? Your ex-boyfriend that is still one of your closest friends, your best friend, and her date who is also super good friends with your ex-boyfriend. How do these kinds of things even happen to people like me?

Thank you, Jesus. You are good. In the midst of my sin, you brought out such good and such lessons that I’ve learned.

The fact that Gabe forgot the corsage is the funniest thing ever.. Having what Gabe always told me to be true confirmed was a blessing. I look forward to some IHOP dates with the squad again. I look forward to going to places with kate this summer, and hopefully hanging out with their group a little bit more. I look forward to going to Kelly and Gabe’s graduation parties and hanging out with the both of them after taking golf pictures. Or just hanging out for the fun of it.

Also edit: I decided that I can't do these things. In order to do what God wants me to do with my life, I have to give up the things that I idolized and seek Jesus 100%. Sometimes that means you have to let go of the emotional dependence you had on other people. 

There’s so much to look forward to this summer. I'm looking forward to softball games and going on road trips hopefully with my cousins who are home from college.

And here’s the one about Matthew, my best friend's date. He seems like an incredible guy. The way he has treated Kate with utmost respect is honorable. He is caring and sweet and kind to everyone. Like Gabe told me, Matthew is one of the nicest people he has ever met. And I think I’m starting to see that, too.

Prom was truly a blessing from God in many ways, and I don't deserve the grace He has given me as I have survived a break up and still have the ability to be friends with the guy I broke up with.

And this still stands true ^^, it's hard to be friends but at least I still have the ability to communicate with him without it being awkward.