Clinging to Christ

Sometimes when your entire world comes crashing down around you, all you can do is cling to the promises of God and the fact that He pursues His children.

After prom, Gabe and I kind of considered flirting again and some flirting happened. This hurts to admit because it doesn't make any sense. God doesn't want me to continue to go back to Gabe only when I'm wanting the attention that he used to give me. Not only does it not make any sense literally because we broke up, but that hole and need for attention can only be filled by Jesus. People let us down, people can't make us happy. I realized in general I relied on other people for emotional happiness instead of in Jesus in my life the past semester, not just with the relationship I was in. I never completely replaced the relationship with Gabe when we initially broke up with the truth from God's word and the way he sees and loves me. So of course, my flesh would want to jump right back into the flirting we used to have. It didn't make any sense because one I knew I didn't really want Gabe back, just the attention, and that he is not as emotionally attached as I am, which means a fling over summer would've meant nothing to him, but would have hurt me again round two. 

Oh my friends, how faithful God is. My heart has never felt such joy in the midst of heartbreak. In the midst of emotions that miss some sort of form of Gabe, I have been able to find such tenderness at the feet of Jesus. And I missed that the past couple of months, when I set that aside for the relationship with Gabe. When someone doesn't love Jesus as much as you do and doesn't want Him to be the center of the relationship, something else has to be the center. Which meant: I couldn't have Jesus be the center of my life AND have a relationship that wasn't focused on Jesus as the center. 

The past week or so, I've really distanced myself from all of the friends I used to have an unreasonable emotional dependence on and the people I tried to process everything with first instead of with God. I have found so many beautiful mornings spending time in the presence of Jesus. It is amazing how God really pulls you closer to Him when you pray that He will do that. He really shows himself clear to you when you decide to make your faith your own, not just based on what other people around you are doing. 

Do I regret not having Jesus as the center of my first relationship? Absolutely. But at the same time, I don't regret the way it led me back to the cross. I don't regret the way it allowed me to see a God that relentlessly pursues. In the midst of an ache of my soul, He fills me up. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.