lessons from my first relationship

"Why are you sad?"
"Because you speak to me in words and I look at you with feelings." 
-Leo Tolstoy

I will try to make this one of the only posts dedicated to my first relationship that ended about a month ago, but there are no guarantees. This entire experience in my life has brought me closer to Jesus and although there were a lot of things I would do differently if this situation were to come around again, I don't regret the things I learned.


1. Girls emotionally process things differently than guys, especially relationships 
As a girl, I made the mistake of making my first relationship the center of my world. In short, I do this not only with relationships but also with friendships. If you know me personally or have read my blog for like the past year, you know this is something I tend to do. It is something that I have learned my lesson from the second time around: that I literally cannot emotionally depend on people and make them an idol in my life. Not sure why it is something I continually struggle with, but I think God does it in order to always bring me closer to Him.
Emotionally I expressed myself a lot more clear than Gabe. He seemed to surpress his feelings and emotions when we broke up, and I went through a lot of tears. Just the difference in how we handle things emotionally was interesting to note. Also, it was kind of confusing, because I just put myself all out there emotionally which can cause me to get hurt a lot more easily. I have to learn to protect my heart from idolatry which causes emotional distress when I lose those types of connections with people.

2. Jesus has to be the center of my world and my confidence, then I can seek God together with another person 
I've realized a lot of things in the model of a relationship that is centered around Jesus that I lacked in my first relationship. I need to focus on myself and spiritually where I am right now before I can be in a relationship. Translation: I'm not getting into one anytime soon. 

3. Friendships are really hard to have after your breakup 
The reason for why you breakup can be a real defining point to whether or not a friendship will really work out...and how long you were together.
I was in this relationship for a fairly short amount of time but long enough to emotionally get attached. So in short, trying to be friends even after prom and stuff is pretty hard for me. One, I realized that he in no way is experiencing the same allure of Christ and His love on display for me. That emotionally causes a difference in my friendship with Gabe because of that. And furthermore, it's really hard to be friends with someone when you had such an emotional dependence on them that was unhealthy. It's just easy to go back to the same things you did before, and it's just something in my case that I need to continue to move away from in order to grow.
It doesn't mean I won't ask him how college in a couple of months when he is down in college. It doesn't mean I won't text him happy birthday on his birthday. But these will be rare occasions that are solely because of something we shared in the past that was important in defining who I am today. I've also never been the kind of person who completely cuts people off. To end on good terms, we end on friendship. And that does mean perhaps just asking them how their new life is going, even if it does hurt a little bit. Because ultimately, I did care about him a lot. I care about him now in terms of his salvation and just knowing Jesus.
But ultimately because of our history with feelings and emotional connections and because of our difference in beliefs now, being "friends" is something we are, but the communication we will have will be far and few between.

4. You'll remember your first kiss, but it's not that big of a deal
Yeah, I have a really great first kiss story and it's really cute. But obviously it's not with the guy I'm going to marry. It's fun to look back on because it was good. I cared about the guy I was with. But, even though a first kiss is a big deal, it really isn't. I'll remember it as a memory, but that's really all it is. It's a bit exaggerated and once you've experienced it, it's like a new experience you've accomplished. I don't really know how to explain it except that like yeah, it was a good first kiss but I mean, that's really all it is. It doesn't mean anything anymore except for sentimental reasons.

What was your experience in your first relationship if you had one?
What do you look forward to about a relationship?