shocking ache

I looked over, her long, blonde hair fluttering in the breeze. I could feel the sobs building up internally and it took all of the strength within me not to let them out. 

She stared off in the distance, her eyes lifeless and I had never seen her in this condition before. They had lost all of the shine and the love she used to have for life.

Not touching, I suddenly felt the urge to put my arm around her shoulders. If it weren't as quiet as it was, the average person would not even have noticed that she turned her head slightly towards me in that moment. I could feel her muscles relax, and even though she didn't look directly at me, I knew she was impacted by my presence. 

There are a lot of things that are hard to go through in life, but experiencing the loss of someone is one of the hardest experiences. My best friend is one of the strongest people I know and when she shuts off from other people, you know something is seriously wrong. 

I looked back over at her, realizing how much our lives would change from this moment. 

Nobody should not have to go through the experience of loosing a best friend in a car accident...a car accident that you were also in, but came out alive. 

There were so many thoughts circling around in my head at that moment, wondering why I wasn't the one to die. 

How do people deal with this question in the back of my head...where you feel like you wish you could take the spot of the person that died?

 How do you wrestle with the thoughts of wondering why you were the one to live and not someone else? 

I looked over at Morgan once more and a sob escaped my throat. She turned and looked at me, and took my hand. 

I had no clue how we were going to make it through this and there were so many thoughts inside my head, the world beginning to spin. 

I am unsure to which pain is worse, the shock of what just happened, or the ache for what will never happen again.

                p.s. this is a made up story. these words just came to my heart for some reason today