my heart yearns

This picture makes me want to cry.

This weekend, I went on a retreat with my youth group, and my heart is full and broken at the same time.

I've made so many amazing memories that it makes getting back into my plain life hard. 

I'm pretty sure I know what depression feels like, and that is definitely what I am feeling right now.

My heart is broken. 

I have been friends with most of these people for awhile, but we just completely bonded this weekend in a way I didn't even know was possible. There is just so much love for them in my heart, and when you spend 48 straight hours with them and over 6 hours in the car laughing and jamming out to music, it makes going back to real life so hard. 

The hardest part is realizing that you have to live your life and the days until you can see them again. It’s hard to live without them because the best days and the days filled with laughter are spent with them. It isn’t until you have an experience like I had this weekend that you realize how much you love and appreciate the time with them, and then it’s hard to spend time without them.

I guess absence makes the heart fonder, but my heart feels like it cannot grow anymore fond.

It’s part of growing up, I know that. It is realizing your time with the seniors is getting less and less and that their lives are becoming busier and there isn’t as much room for you. 

I tell myself things like this is where what you've learned comes into play. You have to rely on Christ even in the midst of feeling alone in your Christian walk.

But it's so hard. 

I've never met such amazing people before.

Paige- Oh girl, how much love there is in my heart for you. Getting closer to you this weekend was something that I do not want to give up. I cannot wait to get to know you better: I can literally see Jesus' love flowing out of you as you love your life. You are so kind to other people and considerate of other people. You want to please God with your life, even if that means it is hard and you have to give something up. You are so awesome.

Grant- You are just so funny and I totally get your sarcasm. I am going to miss laughing at all of the jokes you made and the fun we had with other people. You are very considerate of other people and you are so easy to talk too. I appreciate the love of Christ that is evident in your life and seeing the way you love your sister is so encouraging to me. 

Jeremy- It's kinda hard to put into words the many things that I respect in you. Your faith is also encouraging to me and the respect you have for others is something I am trying to implement in my own life; along with knowing when to stay quiet and when to speak up. You are also a leader in youth group and I am just so grateful for the way you are true to yourself as an example to other people on how to live for Christ. And, your voice...what the heck. Heaven on earth? I think yes. 

Grace- Oh my goodness, how blessed I am to have my family as some of my best friends. You and I have been friends "since day one outta da womb" and I'm never afraid to tell you anything because I know that you understand, or you at least try to understand. The way you encourage me in my faith and know me so well is something I cherish. I am so grateful for you. 

Ben- Most people just have a relationship with their cousin as "I have to see them with the family gets together", but not with you. I just, wow, I am so encouraged by you. The way you love other people and live out your faith as your own is SO encouraging to me. I appreciate the understanding and consideration you have for other people. I love the way you are a leader in youth group and that you are role model for those behind you. 

Lily-Yeah, I just don't think words can explain how much you mean to me. Everything you say and the advice you give points back to Christ and you are so extremely wise, strong and beautiful. Your friendship is just like pure gold and I am just praying daily that we will be a lifelong friendship. 

When you sing, and when you and Jeremy interact, I just, i cri evri tiem. 

Yes, my heart is broken because never again will we go on a retreat like this weekend was.
Ever.
And it kinda makes my stomach drop.

Yet I am so thankful for it.